Oh good Lord! The emotions! This is gonna be a big one. First of all, Bow is not good in traffic. I thought he was going to be fine! He didn't seem spooky. But, he is terrified. I don't know if it's something I'm doing, if his leg still hurts and it's making him spooky, or if he just doesn't like being alone. One thing is for sure, being on the back of a 1200lb ball of terror is no fun. We rode 13 frustrating miles yesterday with a bunch of spooks and high nerves. A cattle man is coming out later today to talk to me about what we can do to get me on the road safely. Starting in a city is a big deal for a spooky farm horse.
I can say that I am learning a lot about myself already. I have acted a lot like Bow in my past. Full of anxiety, ready to bolt and run down whoever is in my way. Not on purpose, just out of fear. This trip is fitting in that way. Being responsible for something that is more scared than I, gives me a kind of courage. Well, I get courageous after the feeling of wanting to bolt subsides. We need to take things slow. If we can't leave on time, so be it. I can see how frustrating and scary I have been though. When I just want to ride a long and he is freaking out about something that I can't even imagine as being scary. It's no fun. It's actually the opposite. Then his fear makes me afraid. What happens when you have two spooky horses together? ughSo I guess I'll take this time to formally apologize to anyone I have accidentally hurt while trying to jump away from a "speeding truck". The only thing to do is to learn and to grow, hoping that one day I'll be like the bombproof, traffic-proof, warrior horse I am dreaming of.
Dr. Gabor Mate' is a therapist who believes that MS is brought on by emotional stress and anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety my whole life. I think I had my first panic attack at 18 while traveling alone through Asia. Sure that would make any kid anxious. It was also a lot of fun! But I am talking about panic attacks that are like bad acid trips. The walls grow, I feel like I am floating in the world with nothing tethering me down thinking anyone near could and possibly would kill me. These panic attacks continued for years. Sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night, in my safe secure home, with all of my nerves on fire and my ears ringing. It's not unlike the MS symptoms I get, just with a psychological twist. I truly believe that my MS is emotionally and anxiety driven. It's a wholistic viewpoint and I think meditation is a key to help. So there, I have learned so much and I haven't even officially left yet! I'm glad I sold my car and got a train to Georgia.